... and other love blunders.
In a world full of rules, procedures and policies, it can often be difficult to see that not everything in life fits, or needs to fit, inside a neat little box, managed by neat little rules. Love is one of those things.
In relationships, there are at least two people. Sometimes the third+ person is another active partner, sometimes the extraneous person(s) are children, sometimes we even allow parents, friends, family members to actively play a role in our relationships. But somewhere in there are two or so people who love each other, trying desperately to survive as a couple in a world pegged against them.
When we love someone, most of the time we don't think twice about telling them so. But sometimes our fears of what the other person might think if we say those three little words, or what it might mean for the relationship if that feeling were expressed, stops us from telling those around us how we truly feel about them, and how important they are to us. Especially if you just aren't sure what you are wanting and needing from a particular person/relationship.
When it is alright to just let things happen? Why do we spend so much time trying to force things into such neat little packages? Why should it matter if you don't follow the rules, but instead, follow your heart? If we all stopped trying to play by some set of rules and just allowed ourselves to love and be loved, the world would be such a simpler, happier place. If you care about someone, so much so that you might even love them, tell them. Don't censor your feelings, don't hold back your desires; express them. The worst that can happen is you get rejected, but the best that can happen is that you get reciprocated. And given those odds, the joys of it being reciprocated far outweighs the hurt of being rejected.
There is no right or wrong way to love someone. There are no rules that will help you figure out what is right, when it's right, or how it's right. If you're doing what feels natural, that's right enough. If you're fighting impulses to be affectionate, or to reach out and let someone know you're thinking/missing/loving them, why? Love is joy. Why contain joy? Especially if that containment only causes the one you love pain for lack of that expression. Don't worry about the consequences more than you remember the rewards.
Regardless of the state or label of your relationship, the best way to have the best one is not to fight it, but to embrace it. Allow it to flow through you, cover you, become you. It will not take you over. It will only enhance the you you already are. There are no rules. Don't try to make your feelings of love, or your relationship, or your partner, conform to them.
Love is not logical. It just is. <3
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
... but sometimes, it must be done.
In the midst of the Holiday Season, sometimes it's even harder to imagine yourself alone. But is that really the best reason to stay with someone? In fact, should that play a factor at all? We all have our different ways of dealing with relationships, and not all of them are wrong. But when you're fighting for something, or more importantly, someone, that just doesn't want to fight for you, are you really doing what's best for either of you?
There is such a fine line between fighting a worthy fight, and fighting to hang onto something that's already let go of you. Someone told me once that the key to a long-lasting relationship is, never falling out of love with your partner at the same time. Which basically means, if only one of you is giving up at any given time, then you've always got one person hanging on and making it work. But is that really a healthy relationship? Maybe you're together for the rest of your lives, but are you happy about it? Doesn't seem likely. Especially if only one of you is actually in love with the other.
The idea behind the never-fall-out-of-love-at-the-same-time principle isn't terrible, but if you use it to stay in a relationship that has no shot because you've convinced yourself that your love is enough for the both of you, and it's just your turn to be in love, then you're headed down a long, wet river called Denial, straight for Heartbreak City. And you can tell yourself, tell your friends, tell your family that your particular circumstances with your particular sweetie are particularly different than everyone else's and they will just never understand the depth of the love you two truly have for each other, but bottom line is, if you're breaking up more than you're making up, and there are terms and rules and lines being drawn, it's time to face facts. Your Happily Ever After has just taken the exit ramp and you're still on the highway.
Love has the tendency to take on traits similar to that of addiction. All of a sudden, you can be addicted to the person you're with and you don't see any way that they are just not your true and perfect soulmate, and you certainly can't see how you could survive without them. Thing is, even if you believe in one perfect person for everyone, it seems a bit unreasonable that the Fates would decide to make that perfect person, make sure you ran into them in life, and then go and make it so they didn't feel the same way about you. And as difficult as it is to see reason when you're in the middle of an all out rose-colored battle, that doesn't make you any less wrong to stay in a relationship that simply was not meant to be.
Friends and family members may not know the intimate details of your "particular situation", but they do have the unquestionable advantage of not being ruled by emotion when they offer advice. A third party looking in may miss one or two intricate dimensions of your relationship, but they're non-biased and that's why they're generally right, while you're too close to it and emotional to be able to see the situation for what it really is: B-A-D bad. Those that have found True Love can tell you from experience that it isn't truly True unless it's mutual. If only one of you wants the relationship, it's not love. It's obsession. And obsession is unhealthy.
The point is, just because you think something, doesn't make it true. Further, just because you want something, doesn't make it happen. So while fighting for something is good, continuing to carry the flag for a war long over is a waste of time, energy, and love. And being angry with those who tell you to move on, rather than the person who is making that the next logical step (that being your so-called soulmate who just broke up with you for the bazillionth time), it's misplaced and irrational. There's a reason it's just not working out, and it's not because you didn't try hard enough.
Love like there is no tomorrow, but when tomorrow dawns and the love is gone, move on.
In the midst of the Holiday Season, sometimes it's even harder to imagine yourself alone. But is that really the best reason to stay with someone? In fact, should that play a factor at all? We all have our different ways of dealing with relationships, and not all of them are wrong. But when you're fighting for something, or more importantly, someone, that just doesn't want to fight for you, are you really doing what's best for either of you?
There is such a fine line between fighting a worthy fight, and fighting to hang onto something that's already let go of you. Someone told me once that the key to a long-lasting relationship is, never falling out of love with your partner at the same time. Which basically means, if only one of you is giving up at any given time, then you've always got one person hanging on and making it work. But is that really a healthy relationship? Maybe you're together for the rest of your lives, but are you happy about it? Doesn't seem likely. Especially if only one of you is actually in love with the other.
The idea behind the never-fall-out-of-love-at-the-same-time principle isn't terrible, but if you use it to stay in a relationship that has no shot because you've convinced yourself that your love is enough for the both of you, and it's just your turn to be in love, then you're headed down a long, wet river called Denial, straight for Heartbreak City. And you can tell yourself, tell your friends, tell your family that your particular circumstances with your particular sweetie are particularly different than everyone else's and they will just never understand the depth of the love you two truly have for each other, but bottom line is, if you're breaking up more than you're making up, and there are terms and rules and lines being drawn, it's time to face facts. Your Happily Ever After has just taken the exit ramp and you're still on the highway.
Love has the tendency to take on traits similar to that of addiction. All of a sudden, you can be addicted to the person you're with and you don't see any way that they are just not your true and perfect soulmate, and you certainly can't see how you could survive without them. Thing is, even if you believe in one perfect person for everyone, it seems a bit unreasonable that the Fates would decide to make that perfect person, make sure you ran into them in life, and then go and make it so they didn't feel the same way about you. And as difficult as it is to see reason when you're in the middle of an all out rose-colored battle, that doesn't make you any less wrong to stay in a relationship that simply was not meant to be.
Friends and family members may not know the intimate details of your "particular situation", but they do have the unquestionable advantage of not being ruled by emotion when they offer advice. A third party looking in may miss one or two intricate dimensions of your relationship, but they're non-biased and that's why they're generally right, while you're too close to it and emotional to be able to see the situation for what it really is: B-A-D bad. Those that have found True Love can tell you from experience that it isn't truly True unless it's mutual. If only one of you wants the relationship, it's not love. It's obsession. And obsession is unhealthy.
The point is, just because you think something, doesn't make it true. Further, just because you want something, doesn't make it happen. So while fighting for something is good, continuing to carry the flag for a war long over is a waste of time, energy, and love. And being angry with those who tell you to move on, rather than the person who is making that the next logical step (that being your so-called soulmate who just broke up with you for the bazillionth time), it's misplaced and irrational. There's a reason it's just not working out, and it's not because you didn't try hard enough.
Love like there is no tomorrow, but when tomorrow dawns and the love is gone, move on.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Speak Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace
Relationships are hard. Even the good ones. Anybody who tells you different is delusional and should be kept on constant watch.
Quite often, there isn't much a couple can't overcome if both parties are willing to work toward a resolution. Which generally means that both parties must admit to being at least partially at fault, and that's tough. But being in a relationship means that you have to put away your pride when you're in private. Pride goeth before a fall, as they say, and you will find yourself, alone, at the bottom of a very nasty one, should you be unable to set aside your ego for the sake of resolving an issue with your partner.
Now that your pride is fully out of the way, it should be smooth sailing, right? If you just admit you're wrong all the time, life will be peachy? Wrong. Next after putting your pride on a shelf where it belongs is communication. If you don't talk about the issues, about your feelings (eep!), about your fears (double eep!), how can anything get resolved? Answer: it can't. Communication, honest communication, is the only way to get the issues out on the table for the other to see. It's very difficult for your partner to fix a problem if you can't tell them what the problem is. And if you could also work into the conversation how you feel the problem might best be solved, and your partner does the same, all the better for a speedy resolution.
Lastly, you will need understanding. Understanding where your partner is coming from is key. Try and see things from their point of view and let them know that you understand how the situation has effected them. Then tell them your side, and let them try and understand it from your point of view. Every collision has two vantage points, and you will need to truly understand both before you can be capable of coming to a resolution that makes you both happy, as well as, hopefully, avoiding this particular crash in the future.
A huge part of understanding is allowing the other person to speak their mind without getting hurt and defensive about what they're saying. You're not truly listening or trying to see it from their point of view if all you can see is how what they're saying is making you feel. You have a right to feel hurt about it, and even to express that hurt. But being hurt about the fact that you've hurt them and they're telling you about it won't help the situation. The truth hurts. And it hurts even more coming from the one you love. But if they're coming to you with a problem, try and put their feelings first and resolve that before you launch off into your own world of hurt.
Speaking of hurt, some things really are better left unsaid. If you're wishing to tell someone something just to ease your own conscience or out of revenge, or even out of blind hatred, it's better not to open your mouth. But keeping things in that are truly upsetting you won't help anyone either. And the longer you go without letting it out, the more it will eat at you and the bigger the problem will become. Letting your partner know that you're feeling a bit more lonely lately since they've taken on that new project and they're spending more time at the office now, rather than post affair with the pool boy, is a very good idea. Because when the problem has just begun, there might actually be a possibility of fixing it. Or at least, you can get your feelings out there and have them heard, recognized and validated, which is sometimes all it takes. Though a little extra effort on the other party's part doesn't hurt, either. Point is, TALK ABOUT IT. If your partner can't do anything about it, at least you will have let them know there is an issue, and they can tell you how long they think it may continue so you can put on your big girl panties for a little longer and tough it out. If they won't do anything about it, well, at least you know now and can end it and go after the pool boy guilt-free ;)
If you've talked it all out, rationally, reasonably, calmly, compassionately, and you just can't get to the point where you're both happy with a compromise, you may have to simply agree to disagree. And while agreeing to disagree may work for a little while, bigger issues (marriage, children, religion, where you want to live), will eventually get the best of a relationship if there isn't some sort of solid, joint resolution. Talk to your partner. If you can't talk about the things that really matter, then why bother with the rest? Whether you talk about them or not, the issues are still there. At least with a conversation, you have hope of getting your relationship to the next level. And the next, and maybe even until death do you part ;) At the very least, you'll know whether that's even a possibility, and save you both a lot of time and future hurt if it's not.
________________________________________
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw
Quite often, there isn't much a couple can't overcome if both parties are willing to work toward a resolution. Which generally means that both parties must admit to being at least partially at fault, and that's tough. But being in a relationship means that you have to put away your pride when you're in private. Pride goeth before a fall, as they say, and you will find yourself, alone, at the bottom of a very nasty one, should you be unable to set aside your ego for the sake of resolving an issue with your partner.
Now that your pride is fully out of the way, it should be smooth sailing, right? If you just admit you're wrong all the time, life will be peachy? Wrong. Next after putting your pride on a shelf where it belongs is communication. If you don't talk about the issues, about your feelings (eep!), about your fears (double eep!), how can anything get resolved? Answer: it can't. Communication, honest communication, is the only way to get the issues out on the table for the other to see. It's very difficult for your partner to fix a problem if you can't tell them what the problem is. And if you could also work into the conversation how you feel the problem might best be solved, and your partner does the same, all the better for a speedy resolution.
Lastly, you will need understanding. Understanding where your partner is coming from is key. Try and see things from their point of view and let them know that you understand how the situation has effected them. Then tell them your side, and let them try and understand it from your point of view. Every collision has two vantage points, and you will need to truly understand both before you can be capable of coming to a resolution that makes you both happy, as well as, hopefully, avoiding this particular crash in the future.
A huge part of understanding is allowing the other person to speak their mind without getting hurt and defensive about what they're saying. You're not truly listening or trying to see it from their point of view if all you can see is how what they're saying is making you feel. You have a right to feel hurt about it, and even to express that hurt. But being hurt about the fact that you've hurt them and they're telling you about it won't help the situation. The truth hurts. And it hurts even more coming from the one you love. But if they're coming to you with a problem, try and put their feelings first and resolve that before you launch off into your own world of hurt.
Speaking of hurt, some things really are better left unsaid. If you're wishing to tell someone something just to ease your own conscience or out of revenge, or even out of blind hatred, it's better not to open your mouth. But keeping things in that are truly upsetting you won't help anyone either. And the longer you go without letting it out, the more it will eat at you and the bigger the problem will become. Letting your partner know that you're feeling a bit more lonely lately since they've taken on that new project and they're spending more time at the office now, rather than post affair with the pool boy, is a very good idea. Because when the problem has just begun, there might actually be a possibility of fixing it. Or at least, you can get your feelings out there and have them heard, recognized and validated, which is sometimes all it takes. Though a little extra effort on the other party's part doesn't hurt, either. Point is, TALK ABOUT IT. If your partner can't do anything about it, at least you will have let them know there is an issue, and they can tell you how long they think it may continue so you can put on your big girl panties for a little longer and tough it out. If they won't do anything about it, well, at least you know now and can end it and go after the pool boy guilt-free ;)
If you've talked it all out, rationally, reasonably, calmly, compassionately, and you just can't get to the point where you're both happy with a compromise, you may have to simply agree to disagree. And while agreeing to disagree may work for a little while, bigger issues (marriage, children, religion, where you want to live), will eventually get the best of a relationship if there isn't some sort of solid, joint resolution. Talk to your partner. If you can't talk about the things that really matter, then why bother with the rest? Whether you talk about them or not, the issues are still there. At least with a conversation, you have hope of getting your relationship to the next level. And the next, and maybe even until death do you part ;) At the very least, you'll know whether that's even a possibility, and save you both a lot of time and future hurt if it's not.
________________________________________
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” - Epictetus (Greek philosopher)
“Communication works for those who work at it.” - John Powell
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The Lost Art of Courting
The dictionary defines courting in a very technical manner:
My boyfriend asked me, after researching the topic for a bit on the internet, "Is that what you want? No touching??" And I told him he missed the point by about 8 million miles.
Courting doesn't necessarily mean "no sex". It means romance. It means doing all the things to get a woman to fall in love with you. It means flowers, and [low-fat] chocolates, and opening her door and complimenting her finer qualities, and love letters and poetry and going out of your way to do something sweet and romantic and thoughtful, just because she's worth all of that and more. And most of all, because you love her and you want to show her just how much she means to you.
Somewhere along the way, it became practically illegal for a guy to be romantic. If a man shows feelings of any kind other than rage, he's automatically a sissy. And, to reiterate a little from my "Asshole Effect" post, there's nothing wrong with a romantic man. "Man" being the key term. We like them strong and protective, but we also like them romantic. We want to see the love, as well as hear it.
Romance is a tough one. Though, if guys would watch more Romantic Comedies with their girls, or with their guys, instead of sitting around circle jerking (pardon my French), they might be a little better at romance. The writers of those movies aren't idiots. There's a reason girls can't get enough of that mushy love stuff. And sometimes, even the scrawny, geeky, not overly manly guys get the girls, so it's not like we aren't open to other possibilities ;)
Now, sometimes, and I bring this up for my honey who would be sad I made him out to be a terrible boyfriend when in fact he is perfectly awesome, romance takes on a different dialect. Sometimes flowers translate into cleaning the litter pan out. And chocolates into making sure your kitties are well fed and petted while you're at work, and the water pitcher is never empty, and love letters are spelled out with vacuum stripes on the carpet. And that's alright. That's wonderful, even. That, my friends, is love.
But love and romance are different. Love is taking care of and helping someone with all of the necessities and responsibilities of life. Romance is all of the superfluous stuff that isn't on the Chore List. It's a necklace on her birthday instead of a toaster. Yes, she needs the toaster. But she wants the necklace. Give her the toaster on a Tuesday. Give her the necklace to show her she's special and amazing and deserves the finer, frivolous things she couldn't buy or do for herself.
The point is, romance is completely unnecessary, but 100% needed. We women do sweet, "unnecessary" things for you guys, that you claim not to hate, so why not return the favor? When we're happy, we're pretty good at making you happy. Hint, hint. So get on it, fellas! Show that special someone some extra special romance! Look it up! Watch a chick-flick! Pull your thumbs off the game controller long enough to go buy her some flowers! Or, better yet, go pick her some. Assuming, of course, she's not allergic, and you don't bring bugs into the house, and she's ok with the cheaper version of things ;) If she's allergic, hit up Michael's for a house full of plastic ones. If you know your girl at all, finding the sweet things she'll love shouldn't be hard. And if you're having trouble, browse her CD and DVD collection. Whatever she's watching or listening to, guaranteed she'll love it if you recreate it. Be smart, be sweet, and if she's worth having around, she'll at least love the effort.
Romance is the cherry on top of the loveseat full of bowlies.
("Life is just a chair full of bowlies" -Mary Englebright, from "Life is a bowl of cherries.")
- to try to win the favor, preference, or goodwill of: to court the rich.
- to seek the affections of; woo.
- (of animals) to attempt to attract (a mate) by engaging in certain species-specific behaviors.
- to attempt to gain (applause, favor, a decision, etc.).
- to hold out inducements to; invite.
My boyfriend asked me, after researching the topic for a bit on the internet, "Is that what you want? No touching??" And I told him he missed the point by about 8 million miles.
Courting doesn't necessarily mean "no sex". It means romance. It means doing all the things to get a woman to fall in love with you. It means flowers, and [low-fat] chocolates, and opening her door and complimenting her finer qualities, and love letters and poetry and going out of your way to do something sweet and romantic and thoughtful, just because she's worth all of that and more. And most of all, because you love her and you want to show her just how much she means to you.
Somewhere along the way, it became practically illegal for a guy to be romantic. If a man shows feelings of any kind other than rage, he's automatically a sissy. And, to reiterate a little from my "Asshole Effect" post, there's nothing wrong with a romantic man. "Man" being the key term. We like them strong and protective, but we also like them romantic. We want to see the love, as well as hear it.
Romance is a tough one. Though, if guys would watch more Romantic Comedies with their girls, or with their guys, instead of sitting around circle jerking (pardon my French), they might be a little better at romance. The writers of those movies aren't idiots. There's a reason girls can't get enough of that mushy love stuff. And sometimes, even the scrawny, geeky, not overly manly guys get the girls, so it's not like we aren't open to other possibilities ;)
Now, sometimes, and I bring this up for my honey who would be sad I made him out to be a terrible boyfriend when in fact he is perfectly awesome, romance takes on a different dialect. Sometimes flowers translate into cleaning the litter pan out. And chocolates into making sure your kitties are well fed and petted while you're at work, and the water pitcher is never empty, and love letters are spelled out with vacuum stripes on the carpet. And that's alright. That's wonderful, even. That, my friends, is love.
But love and romance are different. Love is taking care of and helping someone with all of the necessities and responsibilities of life. Romance is all of the superfluous stuff that isn't on the Chore List. It's a necklace on her birthday instead of a toaster. Yes, she needs the toaster. But she wants the necklace. Give her the toaster on a Tuesday. Give her the necklace to show her she's special and amazing and deserves the finer, frivolous things she couldn't buy or do for herself.
The point is, romance is completely unnecessary, but 100% needed. We women do sweet, "unnecessary" things for you guys, that you claim not to hate, so why not return the favor? When we're happy, we're pretty good at making you happy. Hint, hint. So get on it, fellas! Show that special someone some extra special romance! Look it up! Watch a chick-flick! Pull your thumbs off the game controller long enough to go buy her some flowers! Or, better yet, go pick her some. Assuming, of course, she's not allergic, and you don't bring bugs into the house, and she's ok with the cheaper version of things ;) If she's allergic, hit up Michael's for a house full of plastic ones. If you know your girl at all, finding the sweet things she'll love shouldn't be hard. And if you're having trouble, browse her CD and DVD collection. Whatever she's watching or listening to, guaranteed she'll love it if you recreate it. Be smart, be sweet, and if she's worth having around, she'll at least love the effort.
Romance is the cherry on top of the loveseat full of bowlies.
("Life is just a chair full of bowlies" -Mary Englebright, from "Life is a bowl of cherries.")
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Thoroughly Juiced
This weekend we attempted to start a 10-Day Juice Fast. We purchased a (thankfully inexpensive) juicer, and about a $100 worth of fruits and vegetables, of which we were going to, supposedly, drink for the next 10 days.
We made it two. Though usually wonderful in difficult situations, my honey caved like a bad souffle. Without my support system, I was not far behind him. We were hungry, we were grouchy, we were thoroughly juiced. When I told him bright and early on Day 3 I was done, he hugged me like I'd just brought his guinea pig back to life and left her squeaking on his pillow. RIP, Simon.
But I did learn something, and I did lose 3lbs, in addition to actually feeling pretty awesome about my body, post-juice fiasco. The thing I learned was that I can do this. I can eat well, exercise, and become healthy and fit. I just have to set my mind to it. I also learned -- torturing yourself to lose weight isn't healthy and rarely works. And it won't matter how much weight you lose. If you feel awful doing it, you'll just want to cheat, and cheating makes the effect you're going for null if not reversed, and then you'll feel even more awful.
Push yourself, but don't torture yourself. The honey is eating whatever he likes again, now, but then, he went into the Juicing a vegetarian. I am mostly attempting to stick to the juicing ingredients, but I find I can stomach them a lot better when they're not all ground up together. I eat when I'm hungry, but after the two days of fasting, I find I'm not as hungry as before, and I'm actually craving good-for-me foods. And chili cheese fries. But those can wait. Got to get my waist-line under control first ;)
Be healthy, but be happy.
We made it two. Though usually wonderful in difficult situations, my honey caved like a bad souffle. Without my support system, I was not far behind him. We were hungry, we were grouchy, we were thoroughly juiced. When I told him bright and early on Day 3 I was done, he hugged me like I'd just brought his guinea pig back to life and left her squeaking on his pillow. RIP, Simon.
But I did learn something, and I did lose 3lbs, in addition to actually feeling pretty awesome about my body, post-juice fiasco. The thing I learned was that I can do this. I can eat well, exercise, and become healthy and fit. I just have to set my mind to it. I also learned -- torturing yourself to lose weight isn't healthy and rarely works. And it won't matter how much weight you lose. If you feel awful doing it, you'll just want to cheat, and cheating makes the effect you're going for null if not reversed, and then you'll feel even more awful.
Push yourself, but don't torture yourself. The honey is eating whatever he likes again, now, but then, he went into the Juicing a vegetarian. I am mostly attempting to stick to the juicing ingredients, but I find I can stomach them a lot better when they're not all ground up together. I eat when I'm hungry, but after the two days of fasting, I find I'm not as hungry as before, and I'm actually craving good-for-me foods. And chili cheese fries. But those can wait. Got to get my waist-line under control first ;)
Be healthy, but be happy.
The A$$hole Effect
Or, Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys
The Asshole Effect is one of those idiosyncrasies that creates huge problems for both parties involved in relationships. My general belief is that it is the result of our baser instincts. As cave people, men had to be manly, strong, capable of bringing home those wooly mammoth creatures to their little cave-wives to cook up. And cave women, in turn, had to choose one of those manly, strong, mammoth-killing men or starve. Women are pre-dispositioned to choose big, strong, burly-type men. It's not our fault, it's genetics.
Now, where we women get into trouble, and where you sweet, caring, fine young men get your hearts broken, is where we started associating "big-strong-and-manly" with "big-strong-and-mean". It is not actually the case that a male-type person must be mean, in order to be manly. However, it is often the case that the balance between manly and loving tips quite a bit too far in either direction, leaving a girl automatically leaning toward black, as opposed to the white. White is sweet, patient, kind, and will love us until long after we've pushed up daisies, but black is exciting. Thrilling. Sexy. And will beat off bad guys and bears and evil-doers without a second thought. Assuming, of course, he's not too busy beating on us at the time. Thus, the conundrum: He's manly, but he's a dick.
Some women figure out this whole scale thing, and realize that there are very few bears out there to be fended off on a regular basis, so maybe we'd just prefer to be treated with respect and love, rather than worry about the bears that may or may not attack and eat us whole. Better than knowing full well we'll be eaten alive from the inside out by some jerk with Daddy issues.
But there may still be a draw to a guy who would be strong and capable in a bear-fighting situation, regardless of whether or not there will ever actually be any bears. We may not want an asshole, but we don't really want a wimp, either.
So there's the rub. Being well-treated by a wimp doesn't really get our panties in a twist. Being badly-treated by a bear-killer, does. Unfortunately. We've all probably got Daddy issues of our own, what do you want?
We don't necessarily need a man who can kill a bear, but one who keeps his eyes peeled for Creepy Guy when you're walking around downtown and keeps himself between you and said Creepy Guy until he's passed, is a rockstar, in my book. Or one that makes you walk on the inside of the sidewalk along a busy road, just in case, or one that might forget to answer what you've said because he was paying too much attention the group of hoodlums in hoodies playing with their knew knives at the park, making sure they were staying put, and you were staying safe. Those guys freaking rock. Especially when you know that not only are they looking out for trouble, they could handle it should it come and find you. It's hot. It's sexy. And it's comforting to know you will be taken care of. Makes you feel like he could take care of anything, and you'll always be safe and never have to worry about anything. And if he's super sweet and kind and patient on top of it (IYQRKO), then halleluiah, girl don't let him go.
So my advice to us girls is to be more forgiving of those sweet guys who aren't ideal for bear-killing, because they're going to love us the whole rest of our lives and then some. And for you non-bear-killing fellas, if you want to keep that girl who gets distracted by scowling, buff morons at the gym, make sure you can protect her, even if maybe she doesn't need protecting. Do a few pushups, stand up straight and tall, stand up for yourself if someone tries to screw you over, and don't let your girl walk all over you. She may like getting her way, but she'll respect you more if you stand up to her, too. Respect = attraction (physical & mental), and attraction = staying power. As always, a good balance makes for a good life. Confidence is sexy. Get you some.
Balance in all things.
The Asshole Effect is one of those idiosyncrasies that creates huge problems for both parties involved in relationships. My general belief is that it is the result of our baser instincts. As cave people, men had to be manly, strong, capable of bringing home those wooly mammoth creatures to their little cave-wives to cook up. And cave women, in turn, had to choose one of those manly, strong, mammoth-killing men or starve. Women are pre-dispositioned to choose big, strong, burly-type men. It's not our fault, it's genetics.
Now, where we women get into trouble, and where you sweet, caring, fine young men get your hearts broken, is where we started associating "big-strong-and-manly" with "big-strong-and-mean". It is not actually the case that a male-type person must be mean, in order to be manly. However, it is often the case that the balance between manly and loving tips quite a bit too far in either direction, leaving a girl automatically leaning toward black, as opposed to the white. White is sweet, patient, kind, and will love us until long after we've pushed up daisies, but black is exciting. Thrilling. Sexy. And will beat off bad guys and bears and evil-doers without a second thought. Assuming, of course, he's not too busy beating on us at the time. Thus, the conundrum: He's manly, but he's a dick.
Some women figure out this whole scale thing, and realize that there are very few bears out there to be fended off on a regular basis, so maybe we'd just prefer to be treated with respect and love, rather than worry about the bears that may or may not attack and eat us whole. Better than knowing full well we'll be eaten alive from the inside out by some jerk with Daddy issues.
But there may still be a draw to a guy who would be strong and capable in a bear-fighting situation, regardless of whether or not there will ever actually be any bears. We may not want an asshole, but we don't really want a wimp, either.
So there's the rub. Being well-treated by a wimp doesn't really get our panties in a twist. Being badly-treated by a bear-killer, does. Unfortunately. We've all probably got Daddy issues of our own, what do you want?
We don't necessarily need a man who can kill a bear, but one who keeps his eyes peeled for Creepy Guy when you're walking around downtown and keeps himself between you and said Creepy Guy until he's passed, is a rockstar, in my book. Or one that makes you walk on the inside of the sidewalk along a busy road, just in case, or one that might forget to answer what you've said because he was paying too much attention the group of hoodlums in hoodies playing with their knew knives at the park, making sure they were staying put, and you were staying safe. Those guys freaking rock. Especially when you know that not only are they looking out for trouble, they could handle it should it come and find you. It's hot. It's sexy. And it's comforting to know you will be taken care of. Makes you feel like he could take care of anything, and you'll always be safe and never have to worry about anything. And if he's super sweet and kind and patient on top of it (IYQRKO), then halleluiah, girl don't let him go.
So my advice to us girls is to be more forgiving of those sweet guys who aren't ideal for bear-killing, because they're going to love us the whole rest of our lives and then some. And for you non-bear-killing fellas, if you want to keep that girl who gets distracted by scowling, buff morons at the gym, make sure you can protect her, even if maybe she doesn't need protecting. Do a few pushups, stand up straight and tall, stand up for yourself if someone tries to screw you over, and don't let your girl walk all over you. She may like getting her way, but she'll respect you more if you stand up to her, too. Respect = attraction (physical & mental), and attraction = staying power. As always, a good balance makes for a good life. Confidence is sexy. Get you some.
Balance in all things.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
It is better to have loved and lost...
But better still to know the love you have when you have it, and to never take that love for granted.
This weekend taught me a valuable lesson in love: Never assume that the ones you love will always be there. Always treat them with the same love and respect and kindness that you expect in return, and never for a second think that you can take their love for granted.
Love isn't a free-for-all pass, it doesn't grant you the right to say or do anything you please and the other person has to sit there and take it, and it absolutely does not mean that you're required to stay together in order for that love to continue. Just because someone loves you, they must still love themselves more, and not allow their happiness to be compromised in the pursuit of yours.
We have all been in relationships that simply were not healthy. Where one person was trying to do the loving for both sides, in the hopes that it would be enough. But love must always be a two-way street, and great love is a 4-lane highway. Sometimes you both get to enjoy the ride, side-by-side, but at the very least, you can always meet in the middle. One-way love will leave you one behind the other, never beside, never meeting, always chasing.
It is in these relationships where, if the one left chasing is strong enough, they will leave. And well they should. They are tired from always being left behind, trying to make up both sides of love, and being told they are wrong at every turn, every stop, every time they try. It is exhausting trying to keep up with someone who can never seem to be happy with anything, much less the one they claim to love. If the trailing partner is not strong enough, they will stay. And they will be run ragged and left defeated, hoping that one day, the one they love will happen to circle back around, and pick them up.
Always aim for a two-way street. Don't be the one racing ahead, unwilling to try, unwilling to turn around and meet your partner head-on, in the middle. You may lose someone very dear to you, someone you never thought you would ever have to say goodbye to. So love them back. Turn around, slow down, and try with them. Because while you should always know you can depend on one another, you should never take them for granted. They choose to stay. Never give them reason to choose otherwise.
Love may be blind, but it is surely not stupid.
This weekend taught me a valuable lesson in love: Never assume that the ones you love will always be there. Always treat them with the same love and respect and kindness that you expect in return, and never for a second think that you can take their love for granted.
Love isn't a free-for-all pass, it doesn't grant you the right to say or do anything you please and the other person has to sit there and take it, and it absolutely does not mean that you're required to stay together in order for that love to continue. Just because someone loves you, they must still love themselves more, and not allow their happiness to be compromised in the pursuit of yours.
We have all been in relationships that simply were not healthy. Where one person was trying to do the loving for both sides, in the hopes that it would be enough. But love must always be a two-way street, and great love is a 4-lane highway. Sometimes you both get to enjoy the ride, side-by-side, but at the very least, you can always meet in the middle. One-way love will leave you one behind the other, never beside, never meeting, always chasing.
It is in these relationships where, if the one left chasing is strong enough, they will leave. And well they should. They are tired from always being left behind, trying to make up both sides of love, and being told they are wrong at every turn, every stop, every time they try. It is exhausting trying to keep up with someone who can never seem to be happy with anything, much less the one they claim to love. If the trailing partner is not strong enough, they will stay. And they will be run ragged and left defeated, hoping that one day, the one they love will happen to circle back around, and pick them up.
Always aim for a two-way street. Don't be the one racing ahead, unwilling to try, unwilling to turn around and meet your partner head-on, in the middle. You may lose someone very dear to you, someone you never thought you would ever have to say goodbye to. So love them back. Turn around, slow down, and try with them. Because while you should always know you can depend on one another, you should never take them for granted. They choose to stay. Never give them reason to choose otherwise.
Love may be blind, but it is surely not stupid.
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