Speak Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Relationships are hard. Even the good ones. Anybody who tells you different is delusional and should be kept on constant watch.

Quite often, there isn't much a couple can't overcome if both parties are willing to work toward a resolution. Which generally means that both parties must admit to being at least partially at fault, and that's tough. But being in a relationship means that you have to put away your pride when you're in private. Pride goeth before a fall, as they say, and you will find yourself, alone, at the bottom of a very nasty one, should you be unable to set aside your ego for the sake of resolving an issue with your partner.

Now that your pride is fully out of the way, it should be smooth sailing, right? If you just admit you're wrong all the time, life will be peachy? Wrong. Next after putting your pride on a shelf where it belongs is communication. If you don't talk about the issues, about your feelings (eep!), about your fears (double eep!), how can anything get resolved? Answer: it can't. Communication, honest communication, is the only way to get the issues out on the table for the other to see. It's very difficult for your partner to fix a problem if you can't tell them what the problem is. And if you could also work into the conversation how you feel the problem might best be solved, and your partner does the same, all the better for a speedy resolution.

Lastly, you will need understanding. Understanding where your partner is coming from is key. Try and see things from their point of view and let them know that you understand how the situation has effected them. Then tell them your side, and let them try and understand it from your point of view. Every collision has two vantage points, and you will need to truly understand both before you can be capable of coming to a resolution that makes you both happy, as well as, hopefully, avoiding this particular crash in the future.

A huge part of understanding is allowing the other person to speak their mind without getting hurt and defensive about what they're saying. You're not truly listening or trying to see it from their point of view if all you can see is how what they're saying is making you feel. You have a right to feel hurt about it, and even to express that hurt. But being hurt about the fact that you've hurt them and they're telling you about it won't help the situation. The truth hurts. And it hurts even more coming from the one you love. But if they're coming to you with a problem, try and put their feelings first and resolve that before you launch off into your own world of hurt.

Speaking of hurt, some things really are better left unsaid. If you're wishing to tell someone something just to ease your own conscience or out of revenge, or even out of blind hatred, it's better not to open your mouth. But keeping things in that are truly upsetting you won't help anyone either. And the longer you go without letting it out, the more it will eat at you and the bigger the problem will become. Letting your partner know that you're feeling a bit more lonely lately since they've taken on that new project and they're spending more time at the office now, rather than post affair with the pool boy, is a very good idea. Because when the problem has just begun, there might actually be a possibility of fixing it. Or at least, you can get your feelings out there and have them heard, recognized and validated, which is sometimes all it takes. Though a little extra effort on the other party's part doesn't hurt, either. Point is, TALK ABOUT IT. If your partner can't do anything about it, at least you will have let them know there is an issue, and they can tell you how long they think it may continue so you can put on your big girl panties for a little longer and tough it out. If they won't do anything about it, well, at least you know now and can end it and go after the pool boy guilt-free ;)

If you've talked it all out, rationally, reasonably, calmly, compassionately, and you just can't get to the point where you're both happy with a compromise, you may have to simply agree to disagree. And while agreeing to disagree may work for a little while, bigger issues (marriage, children, religion, where you want to live), will eventually get the best of a relationship if there isn't some sort of solid, joint resolution. Talk to your partner. If you can't talk about the things that really matter, then why bother with the rest? Whether you talk about them or not, the issues are still there. At least with a conversation, you have hope of getting your relationship to the next level. And the next, and maybe even until death do you part ;) At the very least, you'll know whether that's even a possibility, and save you both a lot of time and future hurt if it's not.

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"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

 “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” - Epictetus (Greek philosopher)

“Communication works for those who work at it.” - John Powell

The Lost Art of Courting

The dictionary defines courting in a very technical manner:

• to try to win the favor, preference, or goodwill of: to court the rich.
• to seek the affections of; woo.
• (of animals) to attempt to attract (a mate) by engaging in certain species-specific behaviors.
• to attempt to gain (applause, favor, a decision, etc.).
• to hold out inducements to; invite. 

But the details of courting were far more varied and romantic than dictionary.com can convey in a definition. These days, "courting" is just another word for "dating", and while that is, technically, what our ancestors were doing when our great great grandfathers chose to court our great great grandmothers, it was a very different situation, way back when.

My boyfriend asked me, after researching the topic for a bit on the internet, "Is that what you want? No touching??" And I told him he missed the point by about 8 million miles.

Courting doesn't necessarily mean "no sex". It means romance. It means doing all the things to get a woman to fall in love with you. It means flowers, and [low-fat] chocolates, and opening her door and complimenting her finer qualities, and love letters and poetry and going out of your way to do something sweet and romantic and thoughtful, just because she's worth all of that and more. And most of all, because you love her and you want to show her just how much she means to you.

Somewhere along the way, it became practically illegal for a guy to be romantic. If a man shows feelings of any kind other than rage, he's automatically a sissy. And, to reiterate a little from my "Asshole Effect" post, there's nothing wrong with a romantic man. "Man" being the key term. We like them strong and protective, but we also like them romantic. We want to see the love, as well as hear it.

Romance is a tough one. Though, if guys would watch more Romantic Comedies with their girls, or with their guys, instead of sitting around circle jerking (pardon my French), they might be a little better at romance. The writers of those movies aren't idiots. There's a reason girls can't get enough of that mushy love stuff. And sometimes, even the scrawny, geeky, not overly manly guys get the girls, so it's not like we aren't open to other possibilities ;)

Now, sometimes, and I bring this up for my honey who would be sad I made him out to be a terrible boyfriend when in fact he is perfectly awesome, romance takes on a different dialect. Sometimes flowers translate into cleaning the litter pan out. And chocolates into making sure your kitties are well fed and petted while you're at work, and the water pitcher is never empty, and love letters are spelled out with vacuum stripes on the carpet. And that's alright. That's wonderful, even. That, my friends, is love. 

But love and romance are different. Love is taking care of and helping someone with all of the necessities and responsibilities of life. Romance is all of the superfluous stuff that isn't on the Chore List. It's a necklace on her birthday instead of a toaster. Yes, she needs the toaster. But she wants the necklace. Give her the toaster on a Tuesday. Give her the necklace to show her she's special and amazing and deserves the finer, frivolous things she couldn't buy or do for herself. 

The point is, romance is completely unnecessary, but 100% needed. We women do sweet, "unnecessary" things for you guys, that you claim not to hate, so why not return the favor? When we're happy, we're pretty good at making you happy. Hint, hint. So get on it, fellas! Show that special someone some extra special romance! Look it up! Watch a chick-flick! Pull your thumbs off the game controller long enough to go buy her some flowers! Or, better yet, go pick her some. Assuming, of course, she's not allergic, and you don't bring bugs into the house, and she's ok with the cheaper version of things ;) If she's allergic, hit up Michael's for a house full of plastic ones. If you know your girl at all, finding the sweet things she'll love shouldn't be hard. And if you're having trouble, browse her CD and DVD collection. Whatever she's watching or listening to, guaranteed she'll love it if you recreate it. Be smart, be sweet, and if she's worth having around, she'll at least love the effort. 

Romance is the cherry on top of the loveseat full of bowlies. 
("Life is just a chair full of bowlies" -Mary Englebright, from "Life is a bowl of cherries.") 

Thoroughly Juiced

This weekend we attempted to start a 10-Day Juice Fast. We purchased a (thankfully inexpensive) juicer, and about a $100 worth of fruits and vegetables, of which we were going to, supposedly, drink for the next 10 days.

We made it two. Though usually wonderful in difficult situations, my honey caved like a bad souffle. Without my support system, I was not far behind him. We were hungry, we were grouchy, we were thoroughly juiced. When I told him bright and early on Day 3 I was done, he hugged me like I'd just brought his guinea pig back to life and left her squeaking on his pillow. RIP, Simon.

But I did learn something, and I did lose 3lbs, in addition to actually feeling pretty awesome about my body, post-juice fiasco. The thing I learned was that I can do this. I can eat well, exercise, and become healthy and fit. I just have to set my mind to it. I also learned -- torturing yourself to lose weight isn't healthy and rarely works. And it won't matter how much weight you lose. If you feel awful doing it, you'll just want to cheat, and cheating makes the effect you're going for null if not reversed, and then you'll feel even more awful.

Push yourself, but don't torture yourself. The honey is eating whatever he likes again, now, but then, he went into the Juicing a vegetarian. I am mostly attempting to stick to the juicing ingredients, but I find I can stomach them a lot better when they're not all ground up together. I eat when I'm hungry, but after the two days of fasting, I find I'm not as hungry as before, and I'm actually craving good-for-me foods. And chili cheese fries. But those can wait. Got to get my waist-line under control first ;)

Be healthy, but be happy.

The A$$hole Effect

Or, Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys

The Asshole Effect is one of those idiosyncrasies that creates huge problems for both parties involved in relationships. My general belief is that it is the result of our baser instincts. As cave people, men had to be manly, strong, capable of bringing home those wooly mammoth creatures to their little cave-wives to cook up. And cave women, in turn, had to choose one of those manly, strong, mammoth-killing men or starve. Women are pre-dispositioned to choose big, strong, burly-type men. It's not our fault, it's genetics.

Now, where we women get into trouble, and where you sweet, caring, fine young men get your hearts broken, is where we started associating "big-strong-and-manly" with "big-strong-and-mean". It is not actually the case that a male-type person must be mean, in order to be manly. However, it is often the case that the balance between manly and loving tips quite a bit too far in either direction, leaving a girl automatically leaning toward black, as opposed to the white. White is sweet, patient, kind, and will love us until long after we've pushed up daisies, but black is exciting. Thrilling. Sexy. And will beat off bad guys and bears and evil-doers without a second thought. Assuming, of course, he's not too busy beating on us at the time. Thus, the conundrum: He's manly, but he's a dick.

Some women figure out this whole scale thing, and realize that there are very few bears out there to be fended off on a regular basis, so maybe we'd just prefer to be treated with respect and love, rather than worry about the bears that may or may not attack and eat us whole. Better than knowing full well we'll be eaten alive from the inside out by some jerk with Daddy issues.

But there may still be a draw to a guy who would be strong and capable in a bear-fighting situation, regardless of whether or not there will ever actually be any bears. We may not want an asshole, but we don't really want a wimp, either.

So there's the rub. Being well-treated by a wimp doesn't really get our panties in a twist. Being badly-treated by a bear-killer, does. Unfortunately. We've all probably got Daddy issues of our own, what do you want?

We don't necessarily need a man who can kill a bear, but one who keeps his eyes peeled for Creepy Guy when you're walking around downtown and keeps himself between you and said Creepy Guy until he's passed, is a rockstar, in my book. Or one that makes you walk on the inside of the sidewalk along a busy road, just in case, or one that might forget to answer what you've said because he was paying too much attention the group of hoodlums in hoodies playing with their knew knives at the park, making sure they were staying put, and you were staying safe. Those guys freaking rock. Especially when you know that not only are they looking out for trouble, they could handle it should it come and find you. It's hot. It's sexy. And it's comforting to know you will be taken care of. Makes you feel like he could take care of anything, and you'll always be safe and never have to worry about anything. And if he's super sweet and kind and patient on top of it (IYQRKO), then halleluiah, girl don't let him go.

So my advice to us girls is to be more forgiving of those sweet guys who aren't ideal for bear-killing, because they're going to love us the whole rest of our lives and then some. And for you non-bear-killing fellas, if you want to keep that girl who gets distracted by scowling, buff morons at the gym, make sure you can protect her, even if maybe she doesn't need protecting. Do a few pushups, stand up straight and tall, stand up for yourself if someone tries to screw you over, and don't let your girl walk all over you. She may like getting her way, but she'll respect you more if you stand up to her, too. Respect = attraction (physical & mental), and attraction = staying power. As always, a good balance makes for a good life. Confidence is sexy. Get you some.

Balance in all things.

It is better to have loved and lost...

But better still to know the love you have when you have it, and to never take that love for granted.

This weekend taught me a valuable lesson in love: Never assume that the ones you love will always be there. Always treat them with the same love and respect and kindness that you expect in return, and never for a second think that you can take their love for granted.

Love isn't a free-for-all pass, it doesn't grant you the right to say or do anything you please and the other person has to sit there and take it, and it absolutely does not mean that you're required to stay together in order for that love to continue. Just because someone loves you, they must still love themselves more, and not allow their happiness to be compromised in the pursuit of yours.

We have all been in relationships that simply were not healthy. Where one person was trying to do the loving for both sides, in the hopes that it would be enough. But love must always be a two-way street, and great love is a 4-lane highway. Sometimes you both get to enjoy the ride, side-by-side, but at the very least, you can always meet in the middle. One-way love will leave you one behind the other, never beside, never meeting, always chasing.

It is in these relationships where, if the one left chasing is strong enough, they will leave. And well they should. They are tired from always being left behind, trying to make up both sides of love, and being told they are wrong at every turn, every stop, every time they try. It is exhausting trying to keep up with someone who can never seem to be happy with anything, much less the one they claim to love. If the trailing partner is not strong enough, they will stay. And they will be run ragged and left defeated, hoping that one day, the one they love will happen to circle back around, and pick them up.

Always aim for a two-way street. Don't be the one racing ahead, unwilling to try, unwilling to turn around and meet your partner head-on, in the middle. You may lose someone very dear to you, someone you never thought you would ever have to say goodbye to. So love them back. Turn around, slow down, and try with them. Because while you should always know you can depend on one another, you should never take them for granted. They choose to stay. Never give them reason to choose otherwise.

Love may be blind, but it is surely not stupid.

Never Give Up Without a Fight

This is a lesson I learned at a very young age, that I am now going to share with you. With examples ;) My mother, bless her, made me talk to strangers all the time. And before you call child protective services, hear me out. If I needed ketchup for my fries, I had to go back up and ask for it. If someone didn't give me correct change, I had to go back and make a case for it, and get what was owed to me. If I had an issue with a professor at school, I had to go talk to someone about it. By. My. Self. My boyfriend is so proud of me, for how I've handled sticky situations where people are trying to cheat me. He's not that type. He's super easy-going, and willing to just go with the flow, even if the flow is taking him in a direction he may not want to go. I'm not that way ;) I've gotten more aggressive, and more determined to go after people, if they're trying to pull one over on me (or him), in my old age ;) But he keeps me calm, and I make sure we don't get screwed over ;)

So here's the story, in a rather long-winded narration:

For the past year, I have been fighting with the new management company of my apartment complex. Only for the sake of my own privacy, will I refrain from disclosing the complex's name, but I will tell you that Weidner Apartment Homes is the company that recently took over. So far as I have come into contact with them, they are terrible. While my reasoning behind this particular blog lies beyond me lining out their plethora of wrongs, I will run quickly through a smattering of those wrongs, to give you an idea of the crap they've been pulling over the last year, and why it came to a head when I went to (begrudgingly) resign my lease:

• Raised my rent, and changed how they charged for utilities so that my rent went up in two different, and one unpredictable way(s)
• Ripped apart the fitness center to install themselves a new, fancy office (when there was nothing wrong with the old one), and still, after over a year, have not replaced the fitness center as a useful feature (2 treadmills and an elliptical machine, open during their office hours only, do not a fitness center make)
• Set up a new website for online rent payments, touting an "automatic" payment option, that was, in fact, not automatic at all, and caused them to decide I was delinquent in my rent and to tell me they were going to send my case to their attorney, if I did not give them a cashier's check on the spot (I fought that one, too, and won. Jerks.)
• Regularly pulls apart the stairways to the upper floors of the buildings (there is no elevator) so that reaching said levels is inconvenient at best, treacherous at worst (I am fortunate that I live on the top floor which is reachable from both sides of the building, courtesy of a breezeway; the folks living on the 2nd floor are not so fortunate)
• Decided that the entire parking lot, which is already exceptionally cramped with regular, everyday use, needed to be resealed, and so closed of huge sections of it over 3 days, forcing most folks to, speaking of inconvenient, park in the Kmart's overflow parking lot and walk home. Which, realistically speaking, is not that far. 3 or 4 blocks or so. But honestly?? That's absurd. And it did not need to be done
• Various other "improvement"-type expenditures which did not improve my quality of living one bit, and frankly, would have preferred they just take off my rent, for all that. Or replace my microwave, stove, or dishwasher, which I have no trouble believing are original to the building
• Other than that, I keep to myself. I don't speak unless spoken to, and yet, still, they feel the need to bother me with their corporate crap

*deep breath*

So that's the behind-the-scenes stuff, but the real basis of this blog entry is this: Always fight for what you want, for what you deserve, for what is right. And never give up on something you want or deserve or is right, without a fight. Because sometimes, sometimes you win. This just proves my point ;)

These new corporate lackeys have been hassling me to resign my lease with them for two months now. Two months early, I might add. They have left "You're special! Resign now for a super-duper discount!" flyers on my door twice now. Each time I read them, I got more disgusted by their lust for my money. The first time they left a notice, I was about to leave on vacation and the "deadline" for snatching up their super-duper deal, was going to occur during my vacation. So I called, scheduled an appointment for the day after I was set to return, and promptly forgot all about it until about an hour after my appointment, and about 15 minutes before the offices closed for the day. Oops. The second time, I ignored the notice completely. Because, let's face it. All they were telling me was, "We're going to raise your rent when you resign your lease! Ha ha! BUT! If you sign up extra early, we'll raise it less than we would have, had you waited until the last minute! Ha ha ha!" Ok, sure. Fine. I can dig it, a discount for early sign-up. Lots of places do that. Only, it's NOT a discount. They're going to rape me for my rent either way, but it's my choice, as to just how much they're going to rape me. Splendid.

So in addition to the other ridiculous "improvements" and "changes" they'd been making over the past year, this did not help to dilute my overall disgruntlement with them. But, since I just couldn't stomach packing up my life and paying another down-payment somewhere else that I couldn't really afford, and would have to move out of once my honey finishes school anyway, I eventually had to suck it up and schedule an appointment to discuss my lease with the leeches that own the place.

So my honey and I walk down to the leasing office (as the parking lots are all blocked off due to the resealing project that is supposed to make me oh-so-thrilled with their management skills), and the first thing the guy says to me, as he's flipping through my file is, "Ha ha! It just kills me, the discounts they were giving off these places before! Ha ha! Corporate doesn't do that stuff! Ha ha!" I wanted to punch him. But all I said was, "Well, I certainly appreciated it."

Next thing he does is tsk, tsk at me for not coming in when I got their notices about their "discounts" for early renewal. "Ha ha! Would have been much less if you'd come in then... Much less." I decided not to say anything to that one. I just gave him a look and let him continue to ha ha my situation. Because I wasn't in there to bend over, that's for sure.

Eventually we begin to discuss my rent. I pretty much went off on Mr. Ha Ha. I told him about how they'd raised my rent when I moved in, how my rent supposedly also covered all of the amenities the complex offered, and yet I'd been paying for a fitness center that I couldn't use, how my record shows late payments when it was, in fact, their website that was at fault, and how not one of their improvements had improved my quality of living one iota. He told me that rent was decided by several factors, one of them being "market value", which he later explained to me was, "what Corporate thinks they can get for the apartment". Well. I went off on that, too. Told him that Corporate doesn't have to live here, and the place is barely worth what I'm paying for it now, much less more, and just because you can take more from people, doesn't mean you should. He told me that my apartment's "market value" was rated at $95 more than I was currently paying for it. Per month. I told him I disagreed. And then, THEN he brought out the stupid guns.

This guy looks me in the face and says, "What I've been telling people is, they should submit an offer. If corporate thinks the apartment is worth $750, you should tell them you're willing to pay $730! Ha ha! They might even accept it! Ha ha! The worst that could happen is they counter back at $740, and that's still better than $750, ha ha!" I about lost it right there in his fancy office that smelled like new carpet and greed. I asked him, did it really seem rational that I should have to barter for my apartment?? Should it not just be the lowest possible price that Corporate can afford to rent it to me??? Am I even really having this conversation right now?!?! So I told him that I wasn't going to agree to pay any more than I was already paying. I told him that after everything else, after they'd already raised my rent once, I wasn't going to have someone tell me that the "market value" was what determined whether or not I'd be able to afford rent AND food for the next year.

He told me that he would write Corporate an email with my -offer- and he would get back to me. He called no more than 45 minutes later with a response from "Corporate". They accepted my offer.

Long story short: fight. Don't let people push you around, don't let people try and control you or put something past you, or take advantage of you. This goes for apartment complexes, utility companies, stores, corporations, friends, family, significant others. If someone is attempting to get away with something that isn't right, fight. Stay calm, stay rational, know your facts, and stick to your guns. If you don't get anywhere with the person you're talking to, ask for someone higher up. And higher up. Until you get someone who can right the wrong. You may not always win. You may end up exactly where you started. But then again, you may end up winning. And at the very least, you got some practice at it, and you'll be more likely to win the next time.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

* Other victories include getting the boss an extra 10% off a commercial calendar order, due to a typo, today, and leaving a scathing survey review about Comcast (hey -- they called ME... I just answered their questions!), because their customer service absolutely SUCKS and my bill was too high and no one was willing to help me, a long-time customer. It's now $80/month for cable and internet, which is $100 less than I was paying. Sometimes, it really does pay to fight! ;)

Dreams Come True One Choice at a Time

It occurs to me, while I sit and ponder the various changes that I would like my life to make, that I should, in fact, try making those changes, rather than waiting for them to happen upon me, as I live the life I have actually chosen.

But change is hard. Incredibly, frighteningly, near impossibly hard. Especially the changes I am pondering. I am not pondering a change of hair style (well, that's not entirely true... I would love to have back the hair I so recently chopped off ;)); I'm not pondering whether I should get a mani or a pedi (I've also recently given myself both). The changes I am pondering come with far greater risk (and thus a far higher possibility of reward), and far more drastic a change.

And I am not alone in these ponderous ponderings. Some of those among us ponder for but a moment, before leaping head-first into the abyss of the unknown results. Others, like myself, stand teetering on the verge of uncertainty, hoping someone might just tip us in or pull us back, thus saving us from actually having to make the decision for ourselves. If it's someone else's fault, we can hardly be blamed for the outcome, should we fail, right? Then again, would it be our triumph should we succeed?

So, I teeter. And I sway. And I hope to goodness I don't accidentally fall in before I'm ready, knowing full well that no one is ever ready, and that I wait simply out of fear, rather than for lack of preparation.

Excuses are the devil's playground. I swear it makes him giggle every time we come up with an excuse for why we just cannot, under any circumstance, accomplish that certain goal. I am the queen of excuses. Does that make me the devil's mistress? Well, then so be it, because I'm full of 'em ;p "I'm too chubby to go to the gym." "I can't work and go to school at the same time, it's impossible! And I certainly can't go to school and NOT work, so there! I guess I just can't go back to school!" "I just can't afford to pack up my cats and my car (and my boyfriend, not to mention) and move to Italy. It's insane! And all of my friends and family are here. Somewhere. And what would I do about a job? And I don't know Italian. Also, I'm American. They'll all hate me."

Yep. That's right. I can't move to Italy because I'm an American. And far too out of shape to be seen at the gym. That's just the way it works, or didn't you know?

So, due to the unlimited number of excuses we can all come up with to not do something, we sit in the bathtub of never-changing, and rather murky, circumstances, hoping some day, someone comes along and yanks out the stopper. At which point, of course, we will wait until the water drains out completely, our rubber ducky sits dejectedly on its side in the leftover froth of bubble bath, and our pruney bodies start to shiver slightly, before we will actually shout, "Alright! Fine! I'll get out of the tub already!" to whomever might still be listening. It will take that much just to get us out of the tub... So imagine how much it will take for us to go back to school? Or move to our dream destination? Or pack up our life, just to simply shift it to a slightly different location?

But without these choices, without these forced plug-pullings, we rarely make such dramatic changes in our lives. And I could ask someone to pull the plug already, and allow this stagnant water to drain away so I can get out of the tub, but which tub am I hoping to get out of? Which one am I hoping to then be moved to???

Maybe I'll get brave and pull it myself, one of these days ;) And if any of my oh-so-faithful followers need a nudge, I'll be happy to give you that much-needed push toward completing your goals, rather than edge toward my own scary destinations ;D

Failure is just another word for "lesson".