Bad Boyfriends (and Girlfriends)

I think that the first issue I would like to address, officially, is Bad Boyfriends/Girlfriends. Now, they come in all different shapes and sizes, with different "super powers," if you will, but they're all basically the same -- they make you feel like crap on a regular, if not consistent basis.

You may have difficulty identifying these award-winning arse-holes at first, but here are a few key things to look out for:

• They say one thing, but do another (and vice versa)
• They say "I love you" regularly, but act like they hate you
• They talk to their exes or others in a borderline (or blatantly overt!!) romantic, loving or sexual way
• They only manage to compliment you right before they ask you for sex
• They are physically violent toward you or others when they are angry
• They seem to find fault with most everything you do
• They say more negative than positive things to you
• They "stay late at work" a lot, when you're quite certain they're not that busy
• They always make time for their friends, but it's like pulling teeth to get them to spend one night with you
• They're only willing to do things THEY want to do, and throw a fit whenever they have to do something YOU want to do
• They're extra jealous for no apparent reason (it's called projection, folks... if they're doing it, they assume YOU'RE doing it) (it could also mean that they've been with a cheater in the past, but it's a little less likely, especially if you've checked off several other Warning Signs on this list)
• They throw a fit if you ask them to do something for you
• (if applicable) They can't find time for their own children
• And lastly, if you feel good about yourself until they're around, you're probably with a bad match.

Now. I'd say that there are some things on this list that if they're doing JUST THAT THING, you are in a bad place and should really consider getting out. The "violent temper" or "converses romantically with exes", for example. The others can likely be worked on, if you're noticing a pattern with only one or two of these issues. If, however, you checked off 4 or more of these, I am sad to say that you are most likely not in a healthy relationship. There are things that can help the situation, but bottom line, unless you find yourself matching up with this list, there isn't much to be done because all the advice in the world isn't going to make them a better person. You can drag a horse to the therapist, but you can't make them listen ;)

Also, don't immediately freak out if you're seeing those things in your mate. There may be other explanations for these traits. More than likely, they're pretty much jerks, but don't haul off and accuse them of being a cheater just because they had to stay late at work last night ;) On the same note, if they're throwing fits because you wanted to something other than, say, sit there and watch them play video games, it's possible that they're like me, and new things positively scare the ever-loving crud out of them. So pay attention, be open to the answers you get when you start trying to determine what's really up, and be logical about what you find. Maybe they really are just selfish jerks who can take, but cannot give. But maybe they love you, they're just scared to death of trying anything new, that they may fail at, and ultimately disappoint you by not doing well.

All of that being said, no good relationship is a one-way street. Sometimes how we act sets up the other to fail. Love must flow freely from both sides, or there isn't going to be enough to go around. Another key factor that I have insisted upon, is honesty.

There are a lot of different parts to creating an open, honest relationship:

• Truthfulness in everything we say and do, even if we think we can get away with something
• Offering up the truth, even if it isn't specifically requested
• Openness and communication, regardless of the predicted reaction or result
• Mastering expressing the truth in a loving, caring manner so that the listener doesn't shut down
• Mastering controlled, reasonable reactions to the truth when told it, so that the teller doesn't shut down

If you find you are having difficulty telling someone the truth, try and determine the reason:

• Are you feeling guilty about what you've done? Maybe try avoiding doing it in the first place
• Are you afraid of their reaction? Again, maybe shouldn't do/have done it, but should probably be best to be honest about it anyway

But back to bad relationship partners. This is a wide and varied situation, so this is pretty blanket. But the very bottomest bottom line is, if you're unhappy, there is the possibility that it may be you. You may have a really hard time being in a relationship, or with being happy (I am one of those people -- I default to pissed off). But if you have really taken a good hard look at yourself, and you don't feel it's you, and you can't find any real indication that it's you, then it's them. And unfortunately, people don't change. Not really. If they do, they'll only do it for themselves, not for you. Habits aren't just for brushing your teeth or dance steps. They get formed between two people in a relationship and they are DAMNED hard to break once you get in them.  And sometimes, people just bring out the absolute worst in each other. Doesn't mean that either one of you is a terrible person, just means you aren't as well matched as you had hoped.



The first step toward being in a better "us" is being a better "u".
Love yourself, then love others. And repeat.