The Lost Art of Courting

The dictionary defines courting in a very technical manner:

• to try to win the favor, preference, or goodwill of: to court the rich.
• to seek the affections of; woo.
• (of animals) to attempt to attract (a mate) by engaging in certain species-specific behaviors.
• to attempt to gain (applause, favor, a decision, etc.).
• to hold out inducements to; invite. 

But the details of courting were far more varied and romantic than dictionary.com can convey in a definition. These days, "courting" is just another word for "dating", and while that is, technically, what our ancestors were doing when our great great grandfathers chose to court our great great grandmothers, it was a very different situation, way back when.

My boyfriend asked me, after researching the topic for a bit on the internet, "Is that what you want? No touching??" And I told him he missed the point by about 8 million miles.

Courting doesn't necessarily mean "no sex". It means romance. It means doing all the things to get a woman to fall in love with you. It means flowers, and [low-fat] chocolates, and opening her door and complimenting her finer qualities, and love letters and poetry and going out of your way to do something sweet and romantic and thoughtful, just because she's worth all of that and more. And most of all, because you love her and you want to show her just how much she means to you.

Somewhere along the way, it became practically illegal for a guy to be romantic. If a man shows feelings of any kind other than rage, he's automatically a sissy. And, to reiterate a little from my "Asshole Effect" post, there's nothing wrong with a romantic man. "Man" being the key term. We like them strong and protective, but we also like them romantic. We want to see the love, as well as hear it.

Romance is a tough one. Though, if guys would watch more Romantic Comedies with their girls, or with their guys, instead of sitting around circle jerking (pardon my French), they might be a little better at romance. The writers of those movies aren't idiots. There's a reason girls can't get enough of that mushy love stuff. And sometimes, even the scrawny, geeky, not overly manly guys get the girls, so it's not like we aren't open to other possibilities ;)

Now, sometimes, and I bring this up for my honey who would be sad I made him out to be a terrible boyfriend when in fact he is perfectly awesome, romance takes on a different dialect. Sometimes flowers translate into cleaning the litter pan out. And chocolates into making sure your kitties are well fed and petted while you're at work, and the water pitcher is never empty, and love letters are spelled out with vacuum stripes on the carpet. And that's alright. That's wonderful, even. That, my friends, is love. 

But love and romance are different. Love is taking care of and helping someone with all of the necessities and responsibilities of life. Romance is all of the superfluous stuff that isn't on the Chore List. It's a necklace on her birthday instead of a toaster. Yes, she needs the toaster. But she wants the necklace. Give her the toaster on a Tuesday. Give her the necklace to show her she's special and amazing and deserves the finer, frivolous things she couldn't buy or do for herself. 

The point is, romance is completely unnecessary, but 100% needed. We women do sweet, "unnecessary" things for you guys, that you claim not to hate, so why not return the favor? When we're happy, we're pretty good at making you happy. Hint, hint. So get on it, fellas! Show that special someone some extra special romance! Look it up! Watch a chick-flick! Pull your thumbs off the game controller long enough to go buy her some flowers! Or, better yet, go pick her some. Assuming, of course, she's not allergic, and you don't bring bugs into the house, and she's ok with the cheaper version of things ;) If she's allergic, hit up Michael's for a house full of plastic ones. If you know your girl at all, finding the sweet things she'll love shouldn't be hard. And if you're having trouble, browse her CD and DVD collection. Whatever she's watching or listening to, guaranteed she'll love it if you recreate it. Be smart, be sweet, and if she's worth having around, she'll at least love the effort. 

Romance is the cherry on top of the loveseat full of bowlies. 
("Life is just a chair full of bowlies" -Mary Englebright, from "Life is a bowl of cherries.") 

Thoroughly Juiced

This weekend we attempted to start a 10-Day Juice Fast. We purchased a (thankfully inexpensive) juicer, and about a $100 worth of fruits and vegetables, of which we were going to, supposedly, drink for the next 10 days.

We made it two. Though usually wonderful in difficult situations, my honey caved like a bad souffle. Without my support system, I was not far behind him. We were hungry, we were grouchy, we were thoroughly juiced. When I told him bright and early on Day 3 I was done, he hugged me like I'd just brought his guinea pig back to life and left her squeaking on his pillow. RIP, Simon.

But I did learn something, and I did lose 3lbs, in addition to actually feeling pretty awesome about my body, post-juice fiasco. The thing I learned was that I can do this. I can eat well, exercise, and become healthy and fit. I just have to set my mind to it. I also learned -- torturing yourself to lose weight isn't healthy and rarely works. And it won't matter how much weight you lose. If you feel awful doing it, you'll just want to cheat, and cheating makes the effect you're going for null if not reversed, and then you'll feel even more awful.

Push yourself, but don't torture yourself. The honey is eating whatever he likes again, now, but then, he went into the Juicing a vegetarian. I am mostly attempting to stick to the juicing ingredients, but I find I can stomach them a lot better when they're not all ground up together. I eat when I'm hungry, but after the two days of fasting, I find I'm not as hungry as before, and I'm actually craving good-for-me foods. And chili cheese fries. But those can wait. Got to get my waist-line under control first ;)

Be healthy, but be happy.

The A$$hole Effect

Or, Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys

The Asshole Effect is one of those idiosyncrasies that creates huge problems for both parties involved in relationships. My general belief is that it is the result of our baser instincts. As cave people, men had to be manly, strong, capable of bringing home those wooly mammoth creatures to their little cave-wives to cook up. And cave women, in turn, had to choose one of those manly, strong, mammoth-killing men or starve. Women are pre-dispositioned to choose big, strong, burly-type men. It's not our fault, it's genetics.

Now, where we women get into trouble, and where you sweet, caring, fine young men get your hearts broken, is where we started associating "big-strong-and-manly" with "big-strong-and-mean". It is not actually the case that a male-type person must be mean, in order to be manly. However, it is often the case that the balance between manly and loving tips quite a bit too far in either direction, leaving a girl automatically leaning toward black, as opposed to the white. White is sweet, patient, kind, and will love us until long after we've pushed up daisies, but black is exciting. Thrilling. Sexy. And will beat off bad guys and bears and evil-doers without a second thought. Assuming, of course, he's not too busy beating on us at the time. Thus, the conundrum: He's manly, but he's a dick.

Some women figure out this whole scale thing, and realize that there are very few bears out there to be fended off on a regular basis, so maybe we'd just prefer to be treated with respect and love, rather than worry about the bears that may or may not attack and eat us whole. Better than knowing full well we'll be eaten alive from the inside out by some jerk with Daddy issues.

But there may still be a draw to a guy who would be strong and capable in a bear-fighting situation, regardless of whether or not there will ever actually be any bears. We may not want an asshole, but we don't really want a wimp, either.

So there's the rub. Being well-treated by a wimp doesn't really get our panties in a twist. Being badly-treated by a bear-killer, does. Unfortunately. We've all probably got Daddy issues of our own, what do you want?

We don't necessarily need a man who can kill a bear, but one who keeps his eyes peeled for Creepy Guy when you're walking around downtown and keeps himself between you and said Creepy Guy until he's passed, is a rockstar, in my book. Or one that makes you walk on the inside of the sidewalk along a busy road, just in case, or one that might forget to answer what you've said because he was paying too much attention the group of hoodlums in hoodies playing with their knew knives at the park, making sure they were staying put, and you were staying safe. Those guys freaking rock. Especially when you know that not only are they looking out for trouble, they could handle it should it come and find you. It's hot. It's sexy. And it's comforting to know you will be taken care of. Makes you feel like he could take care of anything, and you'll always be safe and never have to worry about anything. And if he's super sweet and kind and patient on top of it (IYQRKO), then halleluiah, girl don't let him go.

So my advice to us girls is to be more forgiving of those sweet guys who aren't ideal for bear-killing, because they're going to love us the whole rest of our lives and then some. And for you non-bear-killing fellas, if you want to keep that girl who gets distracted by scowling, buff morons at the gym, make sure you can protect her, even if maybe she doesn't need protecting. Do a few pushups, stand up straight and tall, stand up for yourself if someone tries to screw you over, and don't let your girl walk all over you. She may like getting her way, but she'll respect you more if you stand up to her, too. Respect = attraction (physical & mental), and attraction = staying power. As always, a good balance makes for a good life. Confidence is sexy. Get you some.

Balance in all things.

It is better to have loved and lost...

But better still to know the love you have when you have it, and to never take that love for granted.

This weekend taught me a valuable lesson in love: Never assume that the ones you love will always be there. Always treat them with the same love and respect and kindness that you expect in return, and never for a second think that you can take their love for granted.

Love isn't a free-for-all pass, it doesn't grant you the right to say or do anything you please and the other person has to sit there and take it, and it absolutely does not mean that you're required to stay together in order for that love to continue. Just because someone loves you, they must still love themselves more, and not allow their happiness to be compromised in the pursuit of yours.

We have all been in relationships that simply were not healthy. Where one person was trying to do the loving for both sides, in the hopes that it would be enough. But love must always be a two-way street, and great love is a 4-lane highway. Sometimes you both get to enjoy the ride, side-by-side, but at the very least, you can always meet in the middle. One-way love will leave you one behind the other, never beside, never meeting, always chasing.

It is in these relationships where, if the one left chasing is strong enough, they will leave. And well they should. They are tired from always being left behind, trying to make up both sides of love, and being told they are wrong at every turn, every stop, every time they try. It is exhausting trying to keep up with someone who can never seem to be happy with anything, much less the one they claim to love. If the trailing partner is not strong enough, they will stay. And they will be run ragged and left defeated, hoping that one day, the one they love will happen to circle back around, and pick them up.

Always aim for a two-way street. Don't be the one racing ahead, unwilling to try, unwilling to turn around and meet your partner head-on, in the middle. You may lose someone very dear to you, someone you never thought you would ever have to say goodbye to. So love them back. Turn around, slow down, and try with them. Because while you should always know you can depend on one another, you should never take them for granted. They choose to stay. Never give them reason to choose otherwise.

Love may be blind, but it is surely not stupid.