The A$$hole Effect

Or, Why Do Good Girls Like Bad Boys

The Asshole Effect is one of those idiosyncrasies that creates huge problems for both parties involved in relationships. My general belief is that it is the result of our baser instincts. As cave people, men had to be manly, strong, capable of bringing home those wooly mammoth creatures to their little cave-wives to cook up. And cave women, in turn, had to choose one of those manly, strong, mammoth-killing men or starve. Women are pre-dispositioned to choose big, strong, burly-type men. It's not our fault, it's genetics.

Now, where we women get into trouble, and where you sweet, caring, fine young men get your hearts broken, is where we started associating "big-strong-and-manly" with "big-strong-and-mean". It is not actually the case that a male-type person must be mean, in order to be manly. However, it is often the case that the balance between manly and loving tips quite a bit too far in either direction, leaving a girl automatically leaning toward black, as opposed to the white. White is sweet, patient, kind, and will love us until long after we've pushed up daisies, but black is exciting. Thrilling. Sexy. And will beat off bad guys and bears and evil-doers without a second thought. Assuming, of course, he's not too busy beating on us at the time. Thus, the conundrum: He's manly, but he's a dick.

Some women figure out this whole scale thing, and realize that there are very few bears out there to be fended off on a regular basis, so maybe we'd just prefer to be treated with respect and love, rather than worry about the bears that may or may not attack and eat us whole. Better than knowing full well we'll be eaten alive from the inside out by some jerk with Daddy issues.

But there may still be a draw to a guy who would be strong and capable in a bear-fighting situation, regardless of whether or not there will ever actually be any bears. We may not want an asshole, but we don't really want a wimp, either.

So there's the rub. Being well-treated by a wimp doesn't really get our panties in a twist. Being badly-treated by a bear-killer, does. Unfortunately. We've all probably got Daddy issues of our own, what do you want?

We don't necessarily need a man who can kill a bear, but one who keeps his eyes peeled for Creepy Guy when you're walking around downtown and keeps himself between you and said Creepy Guy until he's passed, is a rockstar, in my book. Or one that makes you walk on the inside of the sidewalk along a busy road, just in case, or one that might forget to answer what you've said because he was paying too much attention the group of hoodlums in hoodies playing with their knew knives at the park, making sure they were staying put, and you were staying safe. Those guys freaking rock. Especially when you know that not only are they looking out for trouble, they could handle it should it come and find you. It's hot. It's sexy. And it's comforting to know you will be taken care of. Makes you feel like he could take care of anything, and you'll always be safe and never have to worry about anything. And if he's super sweet and kind and patient on top of it (IYQRKO), then halleluiah, girl don't let him go.

So my advice to us girls is to be more forgiving of those sweet guys who aren't ideal for bear-killing, because they're going to love us the whole rest of our lives and then some. And for you non-bear-killing fellas, if you want to keep that girl who gets distracted by scowling, buff morons at the gym, make sure you can protect her, even if maybe she doesn't need protecting. Do a few pushups, stand up straight and tall, stand up for yourself if someone tries to screw you over, and don't let your girl walk all over you. She may like getting her way, but she'll respect you more if you stand up to her, too. Respect = attraction (physical & mental), and attraction = staying power. As always, a good balance makes for a good life. Confidence is sexy. Get you some.

Balance in all things.